Footprints on Mars


radarlove

Today feels like it should be a Wednesday.  Not a Tuesday.

Sorry, I haven’t talked to you in a while. I mean it’s only been a few weeks.  Which I guess in the grand scheme of things isn’t that long.  Isn’t our life-like a blimp in the cosmic calendar, on a radar screen or something?  Where here one blimp, gone the next.  Makes me hate myself that I’ve already gotten use to the idea of wasting these blimps.  In a year maybe I’ll think about these blimps I’ve waste once-and-a-while.  Maybe I won’t.

While I’ve been busy planning some travel adventures, working the Monday to Friday grind at my desk job, I’ve discovered I’m not that comfortable with living these life moments as blimps.  I’m uncomfortable with being comfortable.  I’ve spent years getting to a point where I have everything one could ever need and want in life.  Yet, I am still missing something and I can’t quiet decide what it is.

My friends and family tell me its love.  I really dislike admitting it, but maybe they are right, for once.  I’ve been spending time with someone who you could refer to as another blimp on the radar.  Every week or two we catch up on the weekends, enjoy random conversations, go out to dinner, watch a movie, cuddle up and so on until another week goes by, and a blimp turns up on my phone screen again.  Realising I am not emotionally invested in the blimp and wondered if I should be feeling romantically invested or not by now.  My radar started searching for reasons why I don’t feel an emotional investment and thought back on all the relationship’s I’ve had in the past which included fun, communication, amazing sex, confidence in each other and honestly.  The blimp surrounds a status including some of these qualities, but not the important ones – which creates mostly feelings of doubt about them.

Some blimps should be forgotten or ignored, because my own attention should be focused on something more important than a blimp coming and going from the radar screen.  A chance to pursue a real relationship, as it is important to have friendship, love and romance in life.  Someone to spend your weekends with, go to the cinema, enjoy restaurants, confide in and cuddle up on the couch chatting, cuddling and kissing.  These are things my heart has started to crave.

Yet, the mind tells me I’ve lost a certain type of passion I once had for life.  I’m living my moments as blimps and not real defining life changing moments I use to live.  Like the first time I ran a 5km event at the Bridge to Brisbane which lead to taking on other challenges of a 10 km Fun Run, Sprint and Olympic Distance Triathlons, hiking to Mount Everest Base Camp.  These moments were passionate life changing events all about obtaining a higher fitness level, which is a great inspiration and start to creating a healthy lifestyle. Now I focus on a healthy lifestyle which includes eating well, strength/core training and spending time walking my dog Benny every day.  The passion I once had for fitness has set me up for an ongoing healthy lifestyle forever on my radar.

What’s really blinking on the radar screen is a novel I have been writing called The Empire of Star (TEoS).  Had a brilliant idea for a story. I’ve talked about it, planned it to death, analyzed my options—yet nothing has come of it. It’s time to stop talking about TEoS and actually do it. Half way through, I’m completely stumped for an ending (who in their right mind starts writing a novel without an ending in mind). Passionate to get the ball rolling again and have a draft copy finished for submission, with endless notes about the arch, character development, scenery and character goals, the tragic part is having no idea of how to end the story’s plot. Every day I’ve set a 15 minute goal to work on TEoS I’ve never once completed even one day as I am so mentally exhausted when I arrive home each day from work. The only time my brain isn’t fried is on the weekend, when I want to spend time seeing friends, family and visiting the beach. I don’t want to be sitting in front of another computer screen.

I can’t blame work, I know how to find time in my schedule, but I’m still stuck starting at the computer screen. Maybe I’ve got analysis paralysis. Maybe I’m great at doing stuff for other people, but terrible about starting my own projects. Like the book I want to write. I want to finish writing a story I’ve had in my head for a while. I gave myself deadlines once, but they’d always get pushed because of work, obligations with friends, chores around the house, etc.

I’ve always made myself accountable for daily fitness, it’s a big blimp on my radar. If I bring the same accountability to writing each day it can also be a blinking blimp. The sense of obligation forces me to find time to get some writing done, it can’t be forgotten or ignored any longer.

Getting started is often the hardest part of a passion or project. Once you find your groove, it’s a lot easier to keep going, feeding off the momentum.  But first, I’ll focus on putting in the work to get past the initial block and get this project off the ground and onto the radar screen.

Mars on Life.