Home is Where Your Wi-Fi Connects Automatically.

Earlier today I unveiled some big news on twitter about how I want to start blogging again but where to begin? I have so much to say after over a year away from the Mars on Life blog. The thing is I’ve been posting thoughts on twitter and photos of my life events on Instagram.  I have gotten away from my one true love: Blogging.

Where to begin. Let’s just jump into right now and the specifics of right now which is my mind is very scattered and I can feel a certain painful crinkling happening above my left eye. If I were to give into it entirely my head would explode into a million thoughts. Like this. Its like my mind has Tourette’s.

I first became aware of my mind feeling overly scattered in February this year.  I stopped blogging to begin with as I was feeling unsure of my online presence.  I found men I had dated and ex-boyfriends were following me online, they did not have involvement in my day-to-day life.  It concerned me, I couldn’t understand what they find so fascinating or intriguing about me.  I’m posting my thoughts, ideas, interests, movie reviews for fun – not to be stalked online.  I cut the connection.

What was really going on was my personal life had taken a big hit in the stability department.  I was in a relationship I’d jumped into to quickly – purely out of desperation to move on from my ex-boyfriend.  I’d completed Mt Everest Base Camp an amazing adventure with wonderful people – I’d come home with a liver infection causing chronic fatigue and other medical issues.  I’d purchased a home on the Gold Coast and relocated for work – My first home I love, I’ve made it reflective of my love of minimalism, travel & tech.  The job however was pulling my hair and teeth out on a daily basis.  Every day I secretly considered moving back to mum’s home in Brisbane, getting my old job back, renting the townhouse and starting all over.  I felt thrusted into a culture of sickness, sadness, grief and mourning over all the changes I had made in life.

Huge mistake

Fast forward a great number of days to today.  I’ve overcome the liver infection, I’ve been able to start exercising again.  After three years of being single on the dating scene I feel I’m over my ex-boyfriend and really ready to move on.  I’ve travelled to New Zealand fulfilling a passion of mine to see a beautiful country and explore the Lord of the Rings breathtaking scenery for myself.  I’ve pumped more money into my home, added a deck extension and landscaped the front and back yards.

After despairing over the manic goblin who’d taken up residence in my mind, I chalked it up to what was going on in my life at that exact point.  Whenever I took a shower I felt like it was a race against the clock because while I was in the shower I was away from a computer, iPhone, twitter, Instagram – who’s going to hear my thoughts!

I then I got a Boxer puppy named Benny which I found, initially, to be a little overwhelming.  It’s like I felt his survival depended on my being aware of him and his whereabouts one hundred percent of the time—which in a way is accurate when you’re dealing with a puppy.  I remember the first time I left him alone for a 8 hours being convinced he wouldn’t survive without me and hate me when I got home.  I got to work and cried for 10 minutes, sobbing on a co-workers shoulder about what a horrible person I was for leaving a 3 month old puppy at home alone.  At lunch I thought numerous times about leaving to go home — but then telling myself I was being ridiculous while also preparing myself to find his lifeless body.

Little Benny Buster
Little Benny Buster

The funny thing is Benny was asleep on his dog bed in the yard with everything he needed away from harm and yet I still felt like I had endangering him.  I suddenly understood the appeal of the sensible mom bob.  My sleep was affected for 3 nights as we figured out our routine which involved constantly getting up to let him out with the hopes of potty training, on the 4th night Benny himself decided to sleep outside.  A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!  I felt whereas childbirth gives you nine months to prepare to be wholly overwhelmed, puppy ownership just ramps up without any warning.  Except that’s not quite true because I did do some preparation, the worst kind.  I read a bunch of books.  My head was full of neurotic dog equations, tricks to teach him, behaviours and routines to install into this dog… that isn’t a data disc.  I was under such enormous pressure for Benny to be the perfect dog—entirely self-inflicted although I kind of blame those books—to get it right in a very short amount of time.  More pressure to get it right in a life I was slowly starting to feel I may of made a good choice.

Which brings me to the beginning of this year when I was thrust into a surprise workplace transition which I felt I handled pretty well all things considered going on in my life.  I cross my fingers I never have to leave the wonderful team of staff I work alongside with.  I wake up every morning looking forward to a brand new day with new excel spreadsheets and a workplace environment where I feel appreciated.  I’ve made wonderful friends at work I enjoy catching up with daily for lunches and water fountain gossip.

Recently I was talking to a close friend who has studied to be a therapist to find out why my scattered mind was betraying me and what I could do to get it under control.  They told me to simply write, having been a reader of this blog in the past, they noticed a large percentage of my writing is positive life experiences and random thoughts of excitement.  As I remembered all of this on the phone I began to cry.

Ash saying Goodbye to Butterf

If only it were ever that simple and obvious.  When I’m sad, depressed, down in the dumps, hiding in my bedroom I shut off from the world keeping my thoughts to myself, twitter and Instagram during these periods of the last year are reflective of the habit.  When I’m happy I want to write.  My excitement travels around my head on their well-worn path and it is a relief to put them on paper.

Mars On Life.

P.S.Welcome Back to Mars On Life.