Technically Grown-up

One of the things I miss about childhood is knowing that no matter what happened, my mum would take care of me. If I needed money for something she would always find it. I never really knew how bad or how tight finances were because Mom spoke mostly in vague and generic terms. Now I’m the adult, but while technically grown-up, being nearly 30, I don’t feel so ‘grown up’ anymore.

I have had to deal with the grown-up world on a true one on one basis. Had my own problems that I’ve learned to deal with, but Mum and Dad have always been there to catch me when I’ve faltered.

When I moved out (okay, ran off) in mid November of 2001 to go live with my then boyfriend and his parents at age 17 1/2, I learned a lot of things about myself, and why I struggled so much as a teenager to live at home with mum. I thought my mother was a horrible monsters because she did things like make me do my homework, go to school, clean my room, and wash the dishes. Six months later I realised that living with my boyfriend wasn’t my home either and pretty much begging dad to let me move into his home. He took me back with open arms, but at the same time I had finally found the perfect comfort level with myself, having mainly lived my life by myself in the granny flat on my ex’s property, with him being away with the Army often. I enjoyed my father’s company. Now he had another mouth to feed and another person to add back into his personal dynamic of being a single father. It was hard at first in his small home, but we managed.

Over the next 10 years I’ve lived everywhere in Brisbane, with everyone it seems, dealt with all the adult problems of keeping a job & paying bills, and somehow I made my way back to my mother’s home where I never thought in my lifetime I would end up living with the evil monster that was my mother again.

Last December I found out that I was possibly losing my job. I was given a few job options or be unemployed. At 28 I did not need to be unemployed.  So I’ve taken a much more challenging job than the one I had. My other option was to try to get a job with more stress or one that would likely be abolished in a future round of budget cuts. My schedule will change, but I’m assured by management that I would be okay in this new role, safe from budget cuts.  It’s the most adult responsibility I’ve had to deal with in 2 years.  I didn’t deal with it very well either.  I was stressed out to the max, my health also decided to start really giving me problems. My asthma became more debilitating than it had been in years because I was getting a flu or cold every 2nd week, all while exerting myself physically for triathlon training.

Here we are now in February and I am still trying to recover emotionally from the job cuts. Last night, I was shaking. I couldn’t function. I ended up curling into a ball on my mother’s bed, while she showered.  I was silently fighting the urge to break down and cry. I know my life isn’t nearly as bad as so many other people’s. Mum eventually found me in her bed, looking very upset, I broke down crying in her arms.  About the most silly things in life: dating, saving for a house, how I want more independence but can’t afford a vehicle, a lover in my life, someone I can care and love as much as I love myself.  I want my life to not be focused on me, my goals or my accomplishments.  I need a new distraction in my life.

I know I will eventually move out of mums home, get a place of own, and be an adult again.  But I’ll stay a child in my mother’s home, just for now.