I have been internet dating, speed dating, meeting people out for 6 months now, and it appears to be a good time to stop dating completely.
My grandma’s passing this week has taught me a lot of things, one of them I learned while I went through the emotions of grief home alone, crying into my pillow, cuddling Dipper my plush dog, I would be wishing he would hold me, stroke my hair, tell me everything will be ok. Wishing he was here with me, but of cause his not, and never will be… I realised I am not over my ex boyfriend leaving me. The idea of jumping on a plane and flying to him crossed my mind, but it was a weak thought, I know its something I would never actually do.
I had met someone recently who made my heart flutter, it just doesn’t appear “meant to be,” at least not for now. I feel I need to let go of these feelings I have, and take a break away from the dating world. I have thought about if I can last 90 days without dating men, being interment, or being around someone I may have a crush on and want to give into.
WHY NOT! Challenge accepted!
The last 6 months has been a dating blur of many attempts to meet “the one”. I haven’t had much time to be with just myself; mind, body and spirit. Breakups can be so rough, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. The loss of my relationship brought on heartache and I have denied to myself on many occasions that, ‘It never really happened‘. But if I’m going to get through 90 days without dating, I wonder what will make it a little easier to break down the walls of love, and move on.
So it’s okay to feel a little messed up after a breakup, on the other hand, I accept that I am a good person, and that I did my best and supported his decision, and I’m not the only one who made mistakes, learning to accept things have ended is the key to being able to start moving on.
My ex and I decided to stay friends, I’ve never been ‘friends‘ with an ex boyfriend before and I am still at times perplexed as to why I am being friends with my ex. But we never broke away completely from each other right after the breakup. We removed each other from Facebook, so as to not hurt the other with postings, we still share phone calls, e-mails, text messages, and personal jokes with each other. I feel I can converse with him on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (e.g. hooking up, since his on the other side of the world). Sometimes I wonder why he keeps in contact with me, ‘I’m just the girl he left behind to fulfil his dreams, if I meant so much to him, it would never have been this way‘. But should I try to limit communication to what’s absolutely necessary, and keep such calls short and civil? To me, his one of those people in my life who know me ‘best‘, he would understand why I say and do stupid things, my moods, what upsets me and cheers me up, give me advise he knows I’ll listen to, and most of all make me laugh with Yogi Bear and Scooby Doo impressions.
I’ve had so many times when I just wanted to scream “you asshole” at him across the planet because my rage feels boundless. The amount of anger I would feel depended on how upset I was feeling each time. I realise long before we broke-up, that the breakup was inevitable, I felt a lot of anger towards yourself, but I let go of that feeling fast, it was a waste of time and energy ripping myself apart over something I no longer had the power to change, my decision to stay. There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Mixing the emotions of love and hate are never a good thing.
I made a list of reminders a while ago, a list of all the reasons my ex was not the one for me. I was ruthless and clear — this was not a time to be forgiving. What the list of reminders did created a picture for myself that I will call up at an emotional response when I feel tempted to think “maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out…” When I find myself missing my ex in a weak moment, and I think I might actually be getting too close to contacting him, I will get out this list, read it over a couple of times, and then talk to myself out of it, over time it is now easier to resist such urges.
I’ve kept a journal for many years, I’m be absolutely honest with myself and never edit myself. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes I will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to me as I am pouring it all out. My grieving begins to lessen, and I find it much easier to understand valuable life lessons from the whole experience if I’ve been writing my way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you’re meant to be.
I realise I should remove memory triggers, these are the kinds of things that remind you of your ex – a song, a smell, a sound, a place. These are normally things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. I should walk around the rooms in my house with a box, removing things that make me remember him, like the paper cut out Kanye West, my canvas print of Cambodia and Silk painting and plate from Vietnam, and all the jewellery he ever gave me…. but I won’t, I honestly love those memories, they are filled with the happier times of our relationship.
Taking this challenge is about moving on without, trying to move on meeting somebody else, whether it means spending time with my friends and family, signing up for a dance class I’ve always wanted to take, or reading every book in my Goodreads list, and focusing on triathlon training. I will remind myself the relationship was part of my life, but even when I am a one, there are personal pleasures that I can always enjoy on my own. Its time to indulge in those things now for the next 90 days.