Grief is interesting, because there’s no definite beginning or end. It can appear, go away, and re-visit without warning or reason. My grandma passed away this week, she’s been an important influence in my life. It has been a difficult time for me in my life, it’s difficult to describe the pain you go through with the loss of a loved one. With the loss of my grandma, I have never experienced grief at this emotional level before. Death can be so final and no matter how much I want my grandma back sometimes, I realise can’t have her back. For most people grieving is a life-long journey of coping, and despite what people may say, I don’t think grieving is something I will “get over”, I feel it is something I will learn to live with. Eventually, I will be able to think about Grandma without pain and sadness.
I believe we have experience in our lives to teach us something; to help us in some way. The experiences I’ve had, and the long road I’ve traveled has taught me a lot. My grandma’s passing has helped me have a better understanding and sympathy for others who have experienced similar grief.
As a runner, I found today I coped best with the loss and pain by running. It gave me time to think about the experience of loosing my grandma and sort out my feelings, cry to myself and enjoy being outdoors listening to the birds whistle. Since my grandma passed I have only left the house for a birthday dinner with my father, dinner with a friend and my grandma’s funeral. Otherwise I’ve been at home, laying in bed crying into my pillow, watching episodes of Scrubs to take my mind of things.
Heading outside today for my first running session in a few weeks, I aimed for a 30 minute main set after a warm up. Running, crying, running, crying some more, and sweating a lot as Brisbane had a very hot winter’s day today. Most importantly, I thought about how much I love my parents, grandparents and brother. How happy I was a week ago to I see my grandma, had a small conversation with her while she was awake, I will always hold this as a valuable memory in my life. I thought about the pain my own mother must be going through, she’s lost her mother and best friend. Now grandma has passed, I feel the monarch of our family will be my mother. I want to be her best friend, not only because she needs me, it’s what grandma asked of me upon her passing, to be their and look after my own mum… and I will.
There will still bad days when I will cry thinking of my grandma, for the most part I don’t want grandma to ever be forgotten. So, I’ll keep running looking up at the sky, to heaven, remembering grandma.
In loving memory of Grandma