How to Pretend to be a Single Mother in the Workplace.

On Thursday my supervisor advised me that my current working hours would be changing because an old Staff member was returning to work after being on Maternity Leave for a year and wants to work the early shift that I am currently doing.  I let my supervisor know that I would still need to catch the same early bus to work for the new start time, and that I would be stuck hanging around the hospital for 45 minutes waiting to start work while still being agreeable to the new hours.

I had a small rant to the other admin staff about the roster change, Jackie suggested that maybe I should get knocked up and have a baby so that I can come to work on my own terms like the rest of the mothers in the department.  Start at what time I want, have days off for children’s Dr appointments without question, use annual leave during the school holidays etc.  All the benefits of being a working mother.

After having lunch with my girlfriend at work we devised a plan that any woman could use in her workplace:-

1. Having a fake child

The background story to your child will have to be very througher. Incorporating everything from your pregnancy, the child’s birth and the early years.  This child will need a first name and age.  Making the child young enough so they do not attend primary school yet.  Daycare is a better option and the child should have a different surname from your own so that if anyone from work happen’s to know your selected daycare centre they can not ask about your child.

Use your friends stories about their children that you’ve heard.  Explain how you discipline your child, What time is bed time, what they will and wont eat,  What activates do you do with your child on the weekends.

Another good idea is to have Godparents who themselves are unable to have children.  Create a baptism that you can describe to co-workers, speak about your chosen church, the priest, your involvement and about the child’s Godparents.  The idea behind why the Godparents are unable to have their own children is so that on weekends when you “wish” to go and play with friends you can have your child stay with the Godparents who are always happy to take care of your child as their own when you need some time to yourself as you can not rely upon the father.

Other great ideas are to borrow pictures of someone else’s child to pop on your desk.  Borrow some other child’s artwork, something that says ‘mummy’ to pop on your desk also. Other benefit’s of having a child is when children become ill, have a friend ring up your supervisors work number and say they’re from your child’s daycare centre and that they need to urgently speak to yourself.  This way your boss has already screened the call and will believe you when you have to suddenly rush off from work to save your poor sick child.

2. The Ex-husband / Ex-Boyfriend

With your Ex, you have the option of either Ex-Husband or Ex-Boyfriend.  Either way, you have had a very messy divorce/breakup with your Ex.  So messy that you simply can not talk about the divorce/break-up as it is very upsetting to yourself still.  Possibly he used to be abusive, an alcoholic or repetitive cheater which are reason’s why you do not want to talk about him.  Claim that he ran off with one of your best friends who you now haven’t spoken to since you found out about them.

The Ex-Husband choice brings up a few more detailed issues that will need to be addressed and added to your background story. Examples: How long where you married for?  How long had you been together before getting married? How come you married a man like this/or was he like this before you got married? (if you have described him as a drunk or abusive person), What type of wedding did you have? where? when? how many guests? Why did he not take responsibly for his child? etc.

The Ex-Boyfriend choice is simpler as most people will accept that he just left as he has no connections to you other than the child, and if you have described him as an abusive or alcoholic people will only ask ‘How old was the child when he left for good?’ as the father of your child already appears to be someone who would be a negative influence in the child’s life and not a good role model.

3. The Background Story

As with any job, their will always be people who you will get along with really well, and others that you just work with because you have to.  If anyone ever intended to do the above from the first day of their new employment they will always have to keep a good distant relationship with all your co-workers.  You will never be able to have these people over for dinner, or for weekend BBQ’S, duck off for coffee after work when yo should be picking up your child from the daycare centre.  You will have to limit yourself to a workplace only relationship with other staff members including your Boss.

Mars on Life.

2 thoughts on “How to Pretend to be a Single Mother in the Workplace.

  1. Love it!

    Although, as a male this doesn’t quite work.

    Having said that as a male I don’t have to pretend to have ever been pregnant.

  2. Lol, sorry dude but those hours were locked in for me long before you arrived 🙂 it sucks i know, i apologise!

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