I was caught by my manger Wednesday day dreaming, even though I was still working by processing referrals and billing matters, she noticed.
Deep in thought about all the things that I use to think that I wanted or needed in my life. Coming to the decision that I just didn’t want, let alone actual need that in my life at the moment. I only want to be me.
About this time last year I had a health scare, which threw me into a phase of “must settle down, must get married, must buy house, must start making babies, lots of them”. All musts I actually just do not want. The only babies I wish to have in my life are Puppies.
I had put myself in a position of putting pressure on myself in general to do the above, and also enormous pressure on my relationship. I felt presure from my family, friends to be doing all these things with my life as they were doing them in their lives.
I started to feel guilty. Not because I never accomplished any of the musts. I felt guilty for putting a lot of pressure on my partner at the time. Then…. I day dreamed some more….
About his sea blue eyes that use to sparkle when he looked into mine, the cheeky grin he would give me when we first met. His solid arms after a good work out session at the gym, and his chest that I would be happy to lay across in bed anytime…. I wont go on…. for my sake.
Feeling – touch: the sensation produced by pressure receptors in the skin.
I had a urge for feeling. Nothing else. I did not want love. Only the familiar feeling of being in their arms, laying across them, next to them, and being generally close with them in ways I shoudn’t speak of (oh!).
Obversely I will still have some good old fashion “feelings” for them. As time goes on I have found they are fading, not to nothing, only friend feelings.
I feel regenerated, sexy, confident, like I am able to do the impossible, maybe I want to do the impossible. Have a feeling of rope between my hands and sliding down a mountain. Enjoying life and whatever comes along with it.
Mars on Life.